Election Observations

“You know what they call a candidate who’s counting on a lot of new voters?"


LOSER

THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME over fifty years to learn

by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10 You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark and a large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Humor for the Wise and Experienced-

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

On the Morning News this week!

Man being interviewed about his (hard to find) flu shot.

"Where did you get your shot?"

His response, "In the Butt."

The reporter momentarily lost control. He was after the name of the drugstore.

Reporter interviewing 104 year-old woman

"What do you think is the best thing about being 104?"

"No peer pressure," she replied.

Frankly Speaking- August 1, 1973 at Fenway Park

The following details an event that occurred at the baseball game that day. It was the only time I went to a game at Fenway. But wow! What a game!

Excerpt from http://www.thedeadbadballera.com/MunsonFisk.html

By the time Fisk joined the Red Sox as the full-time catcher in 1972, Thurman Munson was an established star! According to ESPN's Peter Gammons, Thurman hated Fisk because he was jealous of him -- "the chisled, handsome Fisk, in contrast to the dumpy, stubbled Munson". I totally disagree with this statement. Thurman was never "jealous" over Fisks' looks. That is 100% totally absurd! What ticked off Thurman was the fact that the press and media, particularly Curt Gowdy, (a former Boston announcer who was doing the "Game Of The Week" at the time) had annointed Fisk to be the second coming of Johnny Bench, Yogi Berra and Roy Campanella all rolled up into one, while Thurman was being forgotten in the press. The fact is that Thurman was more ticked off at the press in the beginning than he was at Fisk. The two actually were civil to each other, until one day in 1973. On Aug. 1, 1973, the rivalry heated up in a big way when the two all-stars fought after a collision at home plate. It was a wild free for all with Thurman getting the decision in terms of punches landed. Gene "Stick" Michael got the worst of it actually. With the two teams tied for first place, tensions were ready to explode by the time the ninth inning rolled around. With one out, Thurman was at third, Felipe Alou at first, Gene Michael batting, and John Curtis was pitching.! Thurman broke for the plate on a suicide squeeze. Michael tried to bunt, and missed, then tried to step in Fisk's way. Bad move! Fisk roughed him out of the way and braced for Munson, who crashed into him as hard as he could. Munson tried to lie on top of him while Fisk held onto the ball so as to allow Alou to keep rounding the bases. Fisk kicked Munson off him, and swiped at him with his fist. Michael grabbed Fisk, Curtis grabbed Munson --Fisk threw Michael down with his left arm and fell to the ground. In the mean time, Thurman was like a maniac, throwing as many punches as possible to Fisk's face and body. As baseball brawls go, it was exciting. In the clubhouse afterward, the exalted Munson snipped at the press "go ask him who won the fight, he knows", confident that he won the decision.

By the way Alou did not score and Boston won the game in the bottom of the ninth.

Frankly Speaking- The Darwin Awards

I received this from my aunt, I hope there isn't a subliminal message she was trying to convey.

Hard to believe, but another year has almost passed. Once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwins are awarded every year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. This year's nine nominees are:

No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft! "

No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin
nominees.)

No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another Canadian province getting into the awards.... The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.)

No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his
nearly-airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.

No. 6: [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. (South Carolina entrants are always perennial favorites.)

No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. Nominee

No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheel chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another Ontario entry....I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime
Provinces.)

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how Many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck???
(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene
pool.)

Frankly Speaking- Customs at JFK

I was on the final leg of a journey that had taken me to Muscat Oman, Dubai and Abu Dhabi UAE, Athens Greece; Tel Aviv, Jerusalem and Bethlehem Israel. Here I was at 4:00 in the morning trying to clear customs and re-enter the good ole U.S. of A. Normally this was a rather uneventful exercise but this trip would be different.

Our Israeli distributor had asked that I bring $10,000 worth of defective U.S. printed circuit boards back for credit and repair. That really wasn’t a major challenge. I would carry them to New York. Declare them at customs and have them shipped in bond to our freight forwarder in San Francisco. At this point the freight forwarder could gather all the necessary paperwork to satisfy the bureaucrats and have the boards released to our reps. Of course this was all the result of our Israeli distributors’ unwillingness to spend a few bucks to ship them back like everyone else. Oh well!

I approached the customs inspector as usual. He asked if I had anything to declare and I told him about the printed circuit boards. I expected some discussion of the facts at this point. But he simply directed me to leave the line and go to the customs office for further customs inspections, paperwork and bureaucratic nonsense.

There I was. Me, my bags and $10,000 worth of defective PCBs at a small counter facing a cranky New York Customs Agent. After explaining the matter to him I had to endure a fairly lengthy speech. The speech hinged on the fact that since they were U.S. products the first customs agent should have just allowed me to pass. But, because he didn’t he was going to have to complete all the forms then ship the devices back to San Francisco in bond. Just as I expected!

Suddenly the door opened and a man entered the room with a cart that carried a stack of mail bags and a box that was about the size of a shoebox. It was getting a bit crowded in there. The Customs agent asked the man what he had to declare. The guys’ response was simple, direct and rather casual, “Seven million dollars in currency and 35 pounds of gold.” OK, forget my lousy $10,000 worth of PCBs. There were bigger fish to fry. My issue was forgotten! Within minutes the room was swarming with uniformed police and customs agents. I don’t think the customs agent ever called anyone. Maybe it was all taken care of over the computer.

Customs Inspectors did not need to see the seven million dollars (there was no limit to the amount of money you could bring into the country), but they did need to see the gold. On seeing that it was gold coins as opposed to bullion they allowed the man to declare it and leave, via armored car, before my issues were addressed. Who ever said money doesn’t talk.

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

FRANKLY SPEAKING- ROBERT MALLARI

It was early one evening in the late fall. The sun had set, it was dark outside and the cars on the street had to use their headlights to navigate as they traversed from their work to their homes. Robert was changing the photo chemicals in the photo processing equipment at the Mexican Consulate. The Consulate was a busy place, but on this fall evening, as Christmas approached, Robert found himself the sole occupant of the consulate other than the security guards.

The Consulate involved was the Mexican Consulate in Los Angeles, California. As I said it was normally very busy, probably the busiest Mexican Consulate in the world. In fact, it was probably the busiest consulate any foreign government had in the United States. The Consulate was located across the street from MacArthur Park, on the west side of downtown Los Angeles. You know MacArthur Park…Sung By: Richard Harris or Donna Summer. Undoubtedly it is one of the worst songs ever written:
Spring was never waiting for us, girl
It ran one step ahead
As we followed in the dance
Between the parted pages and were pressed
In love's hot, fevered iron
Like a striped pair of pants

MacArthur Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!

I recall the yellow cotton dress
Foaming like a wave
On the ground around your knees
The birds, like tender babies in your hands
And the old men playing checkers by the trees
MacArthur Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!

There will be another song for me
For I will sing it
There will be another dream for me
Someone will bring it
I will drink the wine while it is warm
And never let you catch me looking at the sun
And after all the loves of my life
After all the loves of my life
You'll still be the one
I will take my life into my hands and I will use it
I will win the worship in their eyes and I will lose it
I will have the things that I desire
And my passion flow like rivers through the sky
And after all the loves of my life
After all the loves of my life
I'll be thinking of you
And wondering why
MacArthur Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Oh, no!Oh, no
No, no
Oh no!!

Ok, I’m letting my 1960’s folklore stand in the way of a good story! So against that backdrop Robert went about changing the chemicals.
As he went about the task he noticed a woman walk past the photo processing equipment, aware that the chemicals used in the photo process were both highly corrosive and if mixed very toxic; he maintained his attention to the details. When it seemed appropriate Robert turned his attention to the woman. She stood at the window looking toward MacArthur Park.

Suddenly Robert realized the woman was transparent. He could see through her!

Robert, a first generation Filipino immigrant, ran to and through the back door of the Consulate.

The security guards, on seeing the look of fear on his face said, “You just saw our ghost didn’t you?”

To my knowledge Robert never entered the Consulate again when he was alone and it was dark.

The Four Stages of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus .
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus .
3) You are Santa Claus
4) You look like Santa Claus.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster .
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions
6) Time may be a great healer , but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone .